Caffiene,C8H10N4O2 is my enemy. And I believe a catalyst for many of my panic attacks. I have been for the last week playing with the amount and times I take in caffiene, and when my panic attacks worsen etc, I have panic attacks in the evening and towards night, usually after the intake of Mountain Dew, and it would seem chocolate. Why is this important? These attacks are starting to worry me, along with the mild visual halucinations...just kidding about that one...anywho...I am going to go to another psychiatrist, one that will not blanket me in another very vague diagnosis, or give me speed that makes my paranoia and panic attacks worse, and has an obnoxious receptionist...who just happens to work in a clinic that specializes in children and adults with attention deficit disorder, but gets stroppy with you when you forget shit...

My paranoia started out with simple things for no reason. (I think)

1. Unreasonable thoughts about reasonable people.

2. Conspriacy theories....

3. General paranoia, you name it, ive thought about it, and worked it out to its 8 possible endings.

4. Thoughts I cannot control, nor do I know where they spring from

5. More conspiracy theories, combined with the general paranoia ending in a panic attack.

Might sound pathetic to some but this is the reality of my mind, having terrible thoughts, intricate scenario's that make me afraid, my heart race, and my knee's buckle, the worst part is the older I get the worse they become, the thoughts are never violent, but mass scale destruction that I have no control over type thing. Then I have this theory over how and why this happens, and it is as follows:

I grew up with a very strange mother who used to constantly play mind games with me and my sister, some of these games should of rated her a place in little dictator academy..rather than motherhood-on-valium-for-ten-years..ok, back to her mindgames, my mother is sooo good at this, she can make one single mind game last for more than 30 years, manipulation information to test alliances, and for at least 3/4 of the time you are not sure if she is up to anything or not..your always unsure...it would take me far too long to describe her..chalk it up to she is a looner...ok, so you remember Pavlov's dogs, and conditioning, so you get used to a trigger, take the trigger away but the conditioning is still there..this is my problem...or at least part of it. Its like moving the beach one teaspoon full at a time, it seems too big.

♦♦♦♦♦

♦ French Toast Assassin is .

♦ French Toast Assassin is .

♦ French Toast Assassin is .