Couldnt sleep....

Remind me...what are we doing here? I sat up in bed, and tried to remember where it was I was going after all, I thought about escape routes, tunnels dug under the wire, and out across the way, undetected by those that patrol my parimeter.

Lets go, lets run away...I wanted to call someone up, at some vague late hour, whisper some ominous phrase in a scratchy voice...'Chat avec moi mon chou' and all those other cards I had never played, would fall back into my deck. Just open up the front door and run away...let everyone else deal, im tired of dealing. Let someone else worry for a change...drop these weights that have me in a free fall, in slow motion I begin to run...I run then fly out and away...off to Istanbul, or Santa Fe...to wander the streets to be away. Im rambling on and on, but it seemed like a good idea, get up from the bed, call Persephone, get something started...something from a Coppola movie..involving a car...very tight budgeting...and the media...even if all I do is daydream this trip away from my current life, still its something.

I know..bitch bitch bitch..when are you not bitching? Ok, next entry will be all about how greatfull I am. This one is about how fed-fucking-up I am. full stop. I go thru this at least weekly, how did I get here, wisconsin, the hubbie, the kids, what the hell am I doing, what am i supposed to be doing, why are all the cards constantly stacked against me...blah blah blah..should I embrace all this shit, as one rather large challenge to be taken on? Sure, ive done that...that works great for a while, then it just snowballs out of control and your left sitting there wondering...with a bemused expression..what the fuck?

So the dr within says, reevaluate everything...and then come up with something...then do something...I love how vague that all sounds...love that inner life coach...wow.

OH you say, things could get worse....could they? Could they...let me let you in on a little secret..I already know how bad shit can get...

1.moving on welfare

2.living on welfare

3.concidering prostitution as a valid way of making money

4.Food bank

5.Christmas via charitable organizations that want your immortal soul in leiu of said charitable donations

6.Your cars are fucked..you have no ride..its winter..yes the universe loves you

7.Overwhelming sense of 'im fucked'...thus we are all 'fucked'

8.Getting Charitable organizations to pay your rent...then they ask you a series of innane questions...or want you to call back when your car is no longer fucked, you have gas money, your rent is paid, and you have a job...(catholic services...nice)

9.you have 20.00 to your name, a gas guzzling minivan, a cronic nicotine habit, and two kids that need you to NOT be a neurotic bitch...thus a life kunundrum arises

10.You no longer have the ability to make an edible cheesecake

♦♦♦♦♦

♦ French Toast Assassin is horrible horrible...beyond horrible.

♦ French Toast Assassin is the writing on the wall.

♦ French Toast Assassin is her dog snore on the couch.