What have I been doing?
Driving myself insane is one big thing that I seem to have taken on as if it were a national sport. I quit the smokes..and truth be told as of late I have been having the equavelent of one a day...Why??Why??I think I can quit again thats for sure, cause psychologically Ive done it..so im over that hump..the reason for the fall back is psychological too im sure..the weight Ive gained..I didnt expect to gain quite so much..and after nearly three months I thought that I would start slowly loosing some of it..when that didnt happen..bingo! It does help to work some of this stuff out in your head or at least on paper or at the very least at an on line diary site that possible at least one person will read (amantla!)...(you know who you are!)...
So...big story right now is, Deb and I are I think having a fight...I dont like to call it that but that is what it kinda feels like. Me and the kids were going to take a vacation to AZ..about a month and a half ago we had kind of hammered out a semi deal that me and the kids would go down there..I had some irons in the fire..as in I am a contractor, I paint houses for a living..I have to: 1. wait for people to accept my bids and give me a check before I get paid. 2. I have bids out there right now, a couple of them I thought I would get. 3. Getting those bids would have made having an actual vacation right now a bit more solvent/easy for me and the kids... 4. I want a fucking VACATION!!! 5. I am afraid to fly. (*This is big for me...cause once she was and no one dare say anything that might contradict how she felt at the time..and hey why cant I have some reasonable phobia?? and who is to say that particular phobia is not reasonable..?? I have a friend who has a fear/anxiety over vomit..is that unreasonable? Do I hastle her over this? Tell her this is the manifestation of some baggage from someone else in her life??? NO...damn it she's allowed a phobia...or a couple if need be) So I went over some of this with my sister...she was deeply mad she would not accept that I am afraid to fly....it is 'mum's baggage' My time is MONEY...WE make money cause we are united in that we are quick and efficient..take me out of the picture and both decline. Period. Though Deb did say she would fund my plane ticket(so money would not be a factor in not comming)...I dont want her to fund it...she also said she would pay me to paint her house once I got out there..I dont want to paint her house...and I dont want her to pay my way Im GROWN. My Business is not an excuse it is a plain cold fact that during this winter we did little to nothing..I was planning on some bids that didnt come thru...these were lucrative contracts that would have netted me some heavy money..yes some deeply hard work would have to have been done..but I would have re-established my bank roll...but..they didnt come thru..I have bills to cover before I go do anything...I got backed up right there at the end(bout the time I had planned to go) waiting on other contractors on a new construction job...and have been working for the last month solid like a MOTHERFUCKER trying to get current bills paid...and the explosive Visa bill that we had to put some bills and supplies on and we had to live on the Visa for a spell...I got paid had to pay that off...so here I sit having had a few days off to get caught up on the mouse wheel that is housework and laundry...I feel I need to post pone my trip..not cancel it..though this was not good for her..I said she was whinning about it, she said that if I wait around planning some pie in the sky trip it will never happen...she sited my nephew as an example..she wants to go to England with the kids..my nephew wants to go to paris, rome etc as well as and dosent want to go when deb goes because he wants to go to these other places..and to Deb somehow in her Cruise-Director Control Freak way she just cant take what is offered and let it alone...its more underneath its harder than it need be...I have responsiblities here and now..and yes two months ago I had the same responsiblities but I thought I would also have more money...Im like so fuckin what...so......she told me to fuck off...and hung up So lets compound this with the weight gain...the ciggies...frustration with my hormone changes..going from Depo to a low dose pill..I nearly killed Tom...or I should say I think I nearly ended our marriage over my hormones..I was so mean and vicious...please I was really really a vicious bitch...it was horrible. And school is ending in a couple of weeks..I have no daycare for the summer lined up..the kids have highly convoluted summer school plans...and I have to work like a mad woman in a four month period to make money to pay all my bills for the winter in case the shit gets funky...as in I have all my contractor bills...and my old job at Mr. Movies... That ladies and gentlemen is my Update!!!

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♦ French Toast Assassin is distraught.

♦ French Toast Assassin is fat.

♦ French Toast Assassin is tired of it all.