What its been like over the last few months:
Shitty Shitty Shitty
Why???
Oh lord why...shaking a raised fist to the sky -
Perception? Myth? Heat? Midwest Angst?
Landlocked Panic Attack?
Everything is shitty..and mostly cause it has all spiraled out of control with the ciggie smoking and not smoking..and the weight..and the teeth..and then finally after much ado I trot my fat ass off to the Dr...and find out about my feet..let me just say that acid hurts like a mother-fuckka...then it eases up on you...then it hurts again when the rather large callus falls off...and then just when you think hey..this level of shitty just might be do-able.....you realize a few key things:
*Fat
*try to quit again...I dare ya fatty
*Pain...everywhere...as a result of..
(see above)
*You smell something? Smells like Bacon..smells like Victory...no its just me baking in this unrelenting Vietnam jungle heat...less the all cotton black jammies...
*you have gotten so pathetic that middleaged lesbians who work at Home depot are flirting with you...
*truly truly a new bottom I have reached...emotionally I mean...Its not the fact that she hit on me...its just NO one has in years...Im a fucking joke...and that just sealed the deal...

*so emotionally I am raw...desperate, bored, out of my mind bored...

How bored?
I wanna go to the Indian Neiman Marcus and pick out quasi expensive looking vases...bring them home..and smash them in the road in a red nightgown..(1950's style)... hair askew...smeared red lip stick...screaming explatives...

That is how bored I am...
It is of course the same bullshit that repeats in this stupid cycle...I hate it here....I can hack putting up with here..Im lonley..Im fine..Im lonley..Im a loner..yea thats it...no im lonley..no im fine...
Cant move forward cant move back...

*I guess im just disapointed - but mostly with myself...I have been trying to think my way out of this mind set, this pattern Ive gotten in to...
Its wierd how things kinda snowball...
I only gained like 30 lbs..but this 30 is literally breaking my back..constant back cramping...joint pain..that I never had before..and just plain being tired all the damn time...
I need a plan..I need some help..I need some fun...

♦♦♦♦♦

♦ French Toast Assassin is a fucking joke.

♦ French Toast Assassin is out of my mind bored.

♦ French Toast Assassin is same bullshit.