.but you know how the game goes..... things are ok, then things are wierd, then things are hard, then things are super hard, then you dont give a fuck anymore...then things are wierder cause you gave up caring...and the laundry somehow knows you gave up...and it spills itself from the drawers just to piss you off...then everyone gets wierd, then just when you get used to the wierness you have your period...then the sarcasm sets in...the rage..the disapointment...you start hating everyone...and wonder why they are even allowed to live anymore...(;))....then you try and loose some weight, cause shit why not do that now when everything is just so nice and fucked....and you decide to get proactive about shit...too late for that now your just doing recovery measures...fuck loosing weight, fuck the laundry you never going to catch up...you mah dear are in a fuckin rut!

*What follows is just one example of my mangled mania...the place I am living in as of now...but I will of course explain why I think I have been feeling this way......

I have had maybe the strangest two weeks in quite a while, some time ago maybe about a year ago I started to get really really quite irritated with this girl, known now forever as 'Trixy', cause i feel like calling her that, .... who works at the hardware store here in town, we buy lots and lots of paint and supplies from this local business and go in just about all the time to buy copious amounts of paint, stain, you name it.....rather than going to sherwin williams in Hudson, and we like the owners of the store and the products are good...well back to this chick..she has over at least the last two years completely ignored me...I might as well be either the invisible woman or wearing a fucking burka...I am persona non grata...but...BUT...she ALWAYS talks to Tom............................knows his name, flirts with him, usually im standing right fucking there......dressed as a painter in my whites, just like Tom...but still nothing...and like I said this has gone on for along long time...long enough for me to have noticed a pattern develop...and to get highly irritated over her behaviour over the years...so...we were out at a garage sale that happened to be across the street from where she lived...she comes running over...'hey there stranger'she says all giddy like...and looks right thru me to talk to Tom....I had before teased and yes I will fess to it harrased Tom about her flirting, (all the boys at the shop have told tom that she has a 'following' of older men because she flirts with them), much to Toms shagrin im sure,(the harrassment on my part..not the loyal following of men..hehehe),.... so anyway she is talking to him about painting her house, asking the land lord...etc...finally I fucking snap when we get home...I go on about:
1. what is up with her?
2. why come across the street to say hey and paint my house
3. she wants you
4. why does she constantly ignore me?
5. what is up with you and her
6. why cant you see that this bothers me...cause he flirts with women in my opinion...humble as it is...
7. why cant you reject someones flirting????

Tom played the thing off like she dosent like fat old me....hahahaha...im not anything she is looking for...hahahaha

I bitch and moan about the incident cause ive fucking had it...and want to know what is up....I lay it on the line...she needs to knock it off and acknowledge me...or you need to make sure she understands that we are married...or you need to tell her flat out to fucking knock it off....etc...(insert crazy white woman rant here)....(cause lord knows its not at all like me to go on some mad rant)
I get really really upset...and we have a row....go forward in time...to yesterday...I had to go to the hardware store for some vinegar and some squirt bottles to do massive amounts of windows...crazy windows...and who was there but 'Trixy'...and she spoke to me..and...AND...the bitch knew my name suddenly....I had to go to work, but it puzzled me a bit...then it puzzled me alot, then it became something I obessed, and am still obsessing about....(ugh), so I tell tom, then I ask him, 'did you say something to her?', did you say something to fred,(guy who owns the store), cause as much as I love to embrace being a crazy white bitch the last thing I want is a local store owner to think of me as being anything other than a saint.....so he said I went in to get whatever and I said "I'm not allowed to talk to her she is trying to steal my indian money'...oh hahahaha says fred'.....oh says I..interesting....I think about that...
that dont make no sense...
1. how and why in the world would she start a conversation with me....when she never ever has before
2. how does she even know my name???
3. why is it she does the two things I wanted her to do...that I told only you about???
4. and how would she know to do this unless you spoke to her or fred about it...

seems kinda fishy to me....

So I ask him again....come on tell me what you said to her....and after like asking four times and the story changing slightly with each telling he says that a couple of days before he had been in there and he was getting paint, and I had the visa...and he was searching thru his wallet for the visa and he has an old ID of mine in there and he had the contents of his wallet on the counter and she saw my old ID....

I do not see how her seeing my ID would in any way shape or form give her the idea that she should aknowledge my existance on the planet after such a long long time of basically seeing thru me....and....and know my name...

this does not make any sense to me at alll......or am I going nuts???? Can you tell me?

So, because I am tenacious D. (hehehehe), (to borrow a title if I may)...I will not and cannot seem to find it in me to just let it go....am I wrong?
I asked him again today, and he got really really mad....course I had harrased him about it all day long yesterday...and harrassed him about the neighbour girl comming over to borrow duct tape and him saying....as she approached...'no no I will not have sex with you'...hahahaha

so I laid it down again for him, what Trixy does and what you do is lacking in respect to me and who I am and all that I do and have done for you and frankly had to tolerate over the years...and I dont like it...I understand you have a playfull personality, and you are very gregarious...but it is dismissive of me...when you do it in front of me or behind my back...its like I have the same old burka on...

you know that burka...I wear it when im out with my friend 'miller'...shes about tom's age, but built like a fucking rail..no boobs no hips...just this boy body...if her and I get to talking to someone like men....they will physically change there stance and turn themselves away from me to re-orient themselves to just look at and talk to her...thus...thus...the burka that is my life....

sad hu? what the fuck....

amungst all this stupidity....I have been trying and trying to loose weight...cause during the last row we had about flirting...I pointed out that the last time I got flirted with was by a bulldyke in home depot...not that it was a horrible encounter but that it was NOT helpfull....to my selfesteem...which is gone probably...and that it sucks to never ever have anyone think you are attractive...maybe they think ill deck them or something...or that Tom will freak...or maybe I really am a land whale...and you know how that goes....

So after much personally shagrin, I have lost 10 pounds...i am no closer to putting any of my laundry away...(another rant will follow on how Tom gets over the condition of the house)....and I still seem to have a burka on....

♦♦♦♦♦

♦ French Toast Assassin is silent.

♦ French Toast Assassin is tired.

♦ French Toast Assassin is fed up.